Deception
by AutumnsFey
Summary: Everything changed on that day five years ago. And despite wanting to believe, to trust, Tsuna had started to lose faith in his father, in the man who promised to always be there but who never was ... until he found out the truth. A truth that would break and heal him.


**It had been five years since Sawada Iemitsu had sat foot into Namimori, Japan.**

Five years, three weeks, four days.

And five years … is a really really long time. For a child of then five, now ten, it seemed even longer …

Heartbreakingly long, literally.

At the beginning, it had hurt - it had hurt so unbelievable much, as five years ago, his Kaa-chan had thrown his Tou-chan out after one of his rare visits. He remembered the screams and tears, the pleading and begging. His mom's furious snarl as she threw his dad's clothing out after him while his dad begged her to listen, to give him a second chance, just one chance to explain.

For naught.

That had been the first night in nearly two years that he had wet his bed … and the first time at all, that his mom had screamed at him in the morning, staring at him with angry red-rimmed eyes as she slapped him, yelling at him to grow up, to stop being such a stupid little fuck-up. She screamed that … that he was now the man of the house – that his dad would never again set foot into their home.

She would make sure of that.

He had only heard from his dad once more since then, only the once on the telephone, but he cherished that one conversation more than anything, because his Tou-chan had promised him that no matter how bad things turned out between his parents, Tsuna would always be his baby boy, he would always have a home with his dad and that Tsuna should never, under any circumstances, forget that his Tou-chan loved his baby boy more than anyone or anything else.

That conversation had been his lifeline.

For years, Tsuna had clung to those words. Had burned them into his mind and heart. Had whispered them to himself late at night, choking on sobs after another one of his mother's screaming fits, seeking the unerring comfort they brought.

It was a promise that made him go on. It made him remember the man he loved and adored, the father whose rough big hands had never brought anything but safety and home. His Tou-chan had promised, and Tsuna needed to trust, needed to cling to that promise. Sometimes, it was the only thing keeping him from drowning entirely.

But in the last year, it had become more and more difficult to believe in his dad. And the bigger part of him … it knew the truth. A ruthless truth that had started to inscribe itself in his live in permanent ink, driven home by cruel permanence: Pretty words, that was all his father's last promises turned out to be.

Hot air, so easily dispersed.

No substance, just platitudes.

The soothing of a distraught child.

All those nights that Tsuna had clung to those warmly whispered words … worthless.

Because reality always won, and as soon as his mom had fully pushed through their divorce, not only had their marriage ceased to exist, but it seemed as if his father had been finished with him as well. No contact at all, neither between his parents nor between Tsuna and his dad. It was as if from the moment his parents were separated people again, his dad had also closed the chapter of his life that had anything to do with Tsuna.

And Tsuna just couldn't understand why the severing of his Tou-chan's wedding vows also meant the severing of his parental bounds.

It hurt.

It really freaking hurt – desperately so.

And no matter how many times he begged for answers, no matter how often he asked for explanations, none came forward. He didn't know why, and the unanswered questions, growing and sharpening into something bitter the older he got, tormented him just as much as his mom's callous and most often outright cruel remarks did. This was a side of his mother that had emerged for the first time the morning after she threw his Tou-chan out, and it never went away. She began to belittle him, to taunt and insult him whenever she could, even in public.

The only thing she kept discrete from the public were the slaps and the spankings.

Either he was too much like his father in the things she detested about the man, or he was too little like his father in the things she had once adored … he never was enough, never was right. He was just Tsuna, and just-Tsuna was neither wanted not worth anything. With time, she drove home just how disappointed she was in the thing she regrettably gave birth to: useless, spineless, hopeless – Tsuna tried so hard not to, but he kept count of the times she cursed his existence, lamenting that she should have drowned him at birth, that helping create him was her greatest mistake. Tsuna could quote her word for word, the hateful sayings branded into his mind. Un-removable.

With time, he learned to cope.

Or fake it, at least.

All the little things he accomplished, things other parents would praise their children for, like winning a kid's baking competition or getting the best grade for his English assignment, he hid. Kaa-chan would only find a way to make that warm feeling of success taste like ash on is tongue. Like she always did. She couldn't stand to see him happy, Tsuna knew that, and after she had driven away any friends he ever made and gotten him shunned as a no-good troublemaker to their neighbours, he was alone.

And he wanted to stay that way - the least ammunition he gave her to attack him with, the better.

It didn't stop her poisonous jabs, or how she delighted and succeeded in making him an social outcast, but the less pain and disappointment, the less disillusion about his own mother he had to face, the better it was for his heart.

When your own home is not a place you can feel safe in, then you have to protect yourself in whatever way you can – It was a lesson Tsuna learned quickly. That and holding his tongue, keeping it to himself and biting it until it bleed to stop inviting anymore pain in. He had learned her lessons – his thoughts, feelings, wishes, needs – they were just as unwanted as he was.

And he was unwanted … she despised him.

He was too much and too little like his father.

Or, as his mother tended to nicely remind him of, he was the only mistake she had ever made, the useless thing to blame for the ruin of her bright future, a blight on humanity that took her beauty and flawless reputation and reduced her to a woman raising an unwanted useless child on a small child support check and even smaller pay check from the local bakery, where she had a part-time job.

… how – just how sad was it that he could recite her hate speeches word for word?

Even though it shouldn't come as a surprise. Often, very often, when he laid in his bed with his pillow over his head, pressed tight against his ears, trying to muffle his mother's angry accusations or drunken lamentations, he wished for his father. For the warm boisterous presence that had always made him smile, that infectious laugh and those big warm hands promising nothing but safety, comfort and love. He longed so desperately to hear the man's voice, to be able to tell him how much he missed and needed his father … but he had nothing. Nothing but the memories of one last phone call and a gaping hole of emptiness in his heart, surrounded by jagged edges of disappointment and hopeless shame sitting right there in his chest, bleeding like an open and infected wound that not even time could close.

It was disillusionment at its purest, the kind where the older he got, the more desperately he desired his father – and what the man represented - but at the same time, he also understood better and with an uncompromising finality, that the hope he harboured was a child's wish - a fools dream.

Tsuna just wasn't sure what to feel anymore. It was freaking maddening. On one hand he felt hurt and rejected, abandoned by one he called parent, thrown away like yesterday's trash – on the other hand, it was his father. His Tou-chan – and Tsuna knew, with a mocking clarity that did nothing but aggravate his despondency, that he could never not love the man.

It was as if he was being torn apart between what he should feel and what he was feeling …

… and he … just ... just really didn't know what to do anymore.

He didn't …

He wished he did.

He wished he could bury those broken promises echoing in his ears.

But wishes are just like promises.

Empty and worthless.

**Everything changed on his eleventh birthday.**

Oh, the day itself began terrible. It was a morning he would happily erase from his memory – at least mostly.

It wasn't like his dad suddenly and miraculously turned up on their doorstep or that he actually gained friends overnight to share that supposedly special day with. No.

His mom certainly didn't stop verbally flaying him because he turned a year older – no, quite the opposite. She had made certain to tell him how disappointed she was to have wasted another year of her life on him. He quickly ducked as she threw a pack of instant ramen at his head and told him, prettied up in a nice blue dress and very high shoes, that she was going out and not to expect her back until Sunday at the earliest, before disappearing, the door falling shut behind her, the sound echoing in the suddenly silent house.

It was Friday evening.

He looked down at the packed noodles and blinked rapidly at the burning sensation in his eyes.

As if he could have eaten with that stone of hurt and resignation taking up all the space in his tummy.

He should be used to it. At least she only threw something at him, slaps hurt more. He hated those. Considering how much his Kaa-chan despised him, that was a very mild goodbye.

Eating was out of question. Instead, he neatly returned the instant ramen package back into the proper cupboard and went upstairs to his room, sinking into his bed and throwing his covers over his head.

It had been the same for nearly six years now. At the beginning, he had still asked her 'why?'.

Why did you make dad go away?

Why didn't you love me anymore?

Why can't I ever be good enough?

Then his questions changed, from 'why' to 'how'.

How can I change to be good enough?

How can I make you love me again?

How can you look at me like you hate me?

And then, then 'how' turned into 'Did you ever'.

Did you ever love me or was it all just a lie?

Did you ever feel anything but hate and shame when you look at me?

Did you ever ask yourself how our life would have gone, if you hadn't cut dad out of it?

Not that he ever asked the 'Did you ever'-questions. He didn't need to.

When your own mother looks at you like she couldn't be more disgusted with your existence, when she says with absolute certainty that you are the worst thing that ever happened to her and that she should have aborted you the second she knew of you – honestly, it feels as if the air is slowly squeezed out of your lungs ... when your mom cruelly spats at you answers to questions you would have never dared to verbalise.

Other children don't think about those things. Other eleven year olds don't even know what 'hate' is. Tsuna knew it for half his life, because there was seldom another emotion in his mother's eyes when she looked at him, and even if it was absent – the replacement was just as shattering. Intellectually, Tsuna knew that he hadn't done anything to deserve her treatment, he knew that. He knew that he wasn't as bad of a child as she said, but …

No amount of logically knowing those facts actually lessened the guilt, doubt and insecurities of being a bothersome burden.

Because despite everything, he loved her. She was his mother.

Just as he loved his father, despite his abandonment. Because he was his dad.

Rubbing at his burning eyes, Tsuna swallowed and clambered out of bed. His feet led him down the stairs, and into the basement. The lightning was bad, but Tsuna was used to it. He had snuck down here a lot of times, whenever his mom had adult friends over and they got too loud for him. He would grab his headphones and bundle up down here, hidden between the card boxes.

And he would look at the old photo books.

Photo books his mom had thrown out and that Tsuna had fished out of the trash.

Photo books that held the only pictures of their little family together, before everything broke.

Tsuna blinked back even more tears as he looked down at his dads face, snivelling a little.

This was his dad. His daddy. His Tou-chan.

Maybe someday, he would see his Tou-chan again …

… but until then, this had to be enough.

His fingers touched the photos, as he slowly looked at each one.

His parents wedding. Mom laughed so happily.

Tsuna's birth. Mom looked exhausted, and dad even more so, but both were glowing.

Family time. Picnics. Riding a bicycle. Mom housing dad down in the garden. Dad snoring with sharpie drawings all over his face. Mom and Tsuna in the kitchen, cooking together – well, mom cooked while he eagerly handed her things, both grinning. Dad throwing him into the air.

Their family.

Tsuna set the album done, his hands shaking, as he lost the fight against his tears. Letting his head rest against the wall behind him, he lifted his arms to wind them around his knees – only, before he could comfort himself, his left elbow knocked against the card box tower on his left and to Tsuna's horror, the boxes toppled down like a house of cards, spilling their contend on the floor.

NO!

Mom would know! Mom would know, and she – she would -

NO!

Scrambling up to his knees, Tsuna reached forward, reaching for the boxes and their contents. Old clothes. Letting a sigh escape at the fact that he hadn't destroyed anything breakable, Tsuna hurried up and collected the clothing, carefully checking that they were still correctly folded and returned them to the boxes. It seemed to be random pieces.

He was on the second to last box and was just about to put a blouse into it, as he noticed something on the bottom that hadn't fallen out. He knew he shouldn't snoop, these were his mom's things, and he was in enough trouble as it was should she notice that he had made such a mess and … and that he had taken the photo books …

But …

There were letters.

A bundle of letters, held together by a cord, looking oldish. And … they were addressed to him.

Swallowing deeply, trepidation and curiosity won. Hands shaking even worse than before, he set the blouse aside and grabbed the bundle, releasing the cord and slowly taking the first letter. They were really addressed to him. Turning it over in his hands, Tsuna took a deep breath and unfolded the letter.

His eyes stared down at the single ink-covered page.

He took in the characters, reading, but not understanding.

What …?

**My darling Tuna-fishy,**

**happy birthday! I can't believe that my little baby boy is already six – but you will always be my sweet little boy. I hope you are well, and that you have a lot of fun celebrating. I'm really sorry that I can't come just yet, but hopefully soon, I will be able to visit you. Never forget and never doubt that I love you with all I have, Tuna-fishy.**

**Love you more than anything,**

**your Tou-chan**

The paper crinkled in his hands, but …

What was this?!

His dad hadn't contacted him in half a decade. Mom said that Dad was too disappointed, that Tsuna was too worthless to hold the man's attention. That – that his dad had forgotten him.

But this – what was this?!

He couldn't get enough air into his lungs,

His eyes fixed on another envelop, and he took it, nearly ripping it as his eyes greedily took in the small letter.

**Little Tuna-fishy!**

**Oh my! My little boy is growing up, and how well you are doing so! I heard that you were selected to present your writing project at the school festival, and I got a friend to get me a copy. It was really wonderful to read – it's so beautiful. You really have talent, Little One. I'm so incredibly proud of you and your achievements. Remember, Tsuna, never forget and never doubt that I love you endlessly.**

**All my love,**

**your Tou-chan**

His breath stuttered.

… his dad was proud of him.

… his dad loved him.

… his dad cared for him.

A sob escaped, but he didn't care, instead reaching for the next letter, and the letter after that. More than five dozen letters were there, most just small notices, but all addressed to him. His dad had been writing him all this time, he had never …

He reached the last letter.

**Happy birthday, my lovely little boy!**

**Ten years old! How you have grown. I can't imagine how big you must be now. I know that it has been a long time since we have seen each other, but I promise you, my son, I'm doing everything I can to make sure that we can spend time together again. Just wait a bit longer, I'm really trying. Never forget how much I love you, and don't for one moment think that I'm going back on my promise – no matter where you are or where I am, you are my beloved son, and I love your more than anyone else – I will never leave you. Keep going Tsuna, you have become a wonderful boy, and I am incredibly proud of you.**

**Have fun and keep our promise in your heart,**

**your Tou-chan**

The paper strained in his white-knuckled grip, nearly tearing. Tsuna pressed his eyes close, trying to get his breathing under control, to no avail.

Damn, damn – damn!

His dad cared. His dad had always cared. And – and Tsuna was old enough to read between the lines.

His dad was trying … he was doing everything to be able to visit – so who was the one person who wouldn't want that? Who wanted both Tsuna and his dad miserable?

The person who hid the letters.

His mom.

And the truly heart-breaking thing? He didn't even need to ask why. He knew why.

Exactly because it hurt both her ex-husband and unwanted son.

Taking a deep breath, Tsuna refocused on the letter and noticed something he had seen on all of the other letters to, but finally it registered.

There was a phone number.

That – it must be his dad's number.

This -!

Getting up as fast as he could, Tsuna run up the stairs to the telephone and had the number dialled before he even knew what he was doing. His body moved automatically, his mind focused only on one thing.

His dad.

His dad hadn't abandoned him.

Maybe his dad still wanted him.

The phone rang.

It kept ringing.

Tsuna's heart sunk -

Click.

" Sawada speaking."

He couldn't breathe.

That voice … that warm deep voice …

He hadn't heard that voice in nearly six years.

His legs gave way beneath him and he flopped to the ground, tears streaming down his face.

" Who is there?"

Tsuna took in a shuddering breath, his voice coming out in a barely audible whisper.

" … Tou-chan ..."

But it was enough.

His dad took in a sharp breath.

" Tsuna?", came the whispered response, and Tsuna couldn't help the nearly hysteric sobs as he heard how reverent, relieved and grateful his father sounded. He sunk down as he heard nothing but love and choked tears in that familiar voice.

His father really hadn't forgotten. He hadn't.

He hadn't been abandoned, not at all. A father who didn't care wouldn't sound so relieved to hear from his son.

" Tou-chan", he sobbed into the phone, his back falling against the wall.

" Baby boy, my baby", oh, how he had missed that deep rough voice. " Tuna-fishy, is that really you?"

" Y-yes, Tou-chan, it's really me."

There was a pause at the other end, and Tsuna pressed his eyes together, biting his lips to keep the desperate words trying to escape at bay, to keep from begging his Tou-chan to come and get him …

" Oh thank god, baby boy, thank god! I thought … I thought, after all this time … I had nearly lost hope … I have missed you so much, baby boy, so so much, I swear to you, I tried, I tried to get to you, to get you, to – to at least get visitation rights, but ...", he had trailed off, and for a moment Tsuna wondered why, but then he understood.

His father still, after all this, tried to protect and respect Tsuna's relationship with his mother.

He had no idea how his son's mother had changed after all this time.

But … while Tsuna loved his mother, while she would always be his Kaa-chan … he didn't like her, at all ...

" I know, Tou-chan", Tsuna hiccupped, rubbing at his eyes. " I know about the letters, that – that you didn't forget me. And … and you don't need to protect Kaa-chan. She lied. She hid them. I don't … I don't want you to protect her, cause … cause I missed you so so much."

" Oh baby boy ..."

" I want to go home to you, Tou-chan, please", he whispered, his voice breaking as the sobs started anew, choking him. " Please."

" Tuna-fishy ..."

But Tsuna continued on, his hasty words nearly swallowing each other. " Kaa-chan doesn't want me. She's always so angry that I'm even there at all, and she would be really happy if she didn't have to put up with me anymore. I know I'm not a good son, I know that, but I promise I'm going to become better, promise, really, I will do everything you say, but please, please Tou-chan, I want to go home to you. Kaa-chan would be so much happier with me gone, too. Please, I promise to try and not be such a burden -"

" Stop!"

Tsuna's breathe hitched at his Tou-chan's command.

Had he already managed to annoy the man so much that he didn't want him anymore?

" You will not call yourself a burden, do you understand me, child?"

What? That – that was what his father took from his pleads?

" Tsunayoshi-kun, answer me."

" Ye-yes, Tou-chan", he stuttered, shocked.

Kaa-chan would have scolded him for annoying her.

Tou-chan only wanted him not to call himself a burden.

How could his parents be so different?

" You are not a burden, and you are not bothering anyone. You are a wonderful little boy, and you don't have to change in any way to please me. I'm proud of you, Tsunayoshi-kun, and I will always be proud of you, there is nothing that will ever take that from us."

" Tou-chan ..."

" Give me until the end of the month, baby boy, and I promise you, one way or another, you will be home where you belong. I thought you wanted to stay with your mom, but if you want to stay with me, then that's what's going to happen", his father promised, voice steady, calm and firm.

Tsuna didn't doubt him for even a second, and his heart was so warm, it was as if the happiness he had felt the first time he had heard his Tou-chan on the phone seemed to only grow, glowing brighter and warmer. He felt as if for the first time in years, there was a break in the clouds, and the sun was finally shining down on him. It was a wonderful feeling, one he never wanted to let go of.

" I love you, Tuna-fishy. And I never stopped."

Tsuna giggled through his tears as he clung tighter to the phone in his hand, the strong voice of his father soothing his hurt soul.

" I love you too, Tou-chan."

**The day had begun horrible.**

It had only become more painful the longer it went on …

… but it ended up being the best day he had in nearly six years.

For the first time since he had been five …

Sawada Tsunayoshi felt loved.

**Two weeks wasn't a long time at all.**

Compared to nearly six years, it was nothing.

But for an eleven year old?

It seemed like eternity.

**The wait was hellish, and doubts had started to nag at him.**

Had his dad been merrily entertaining him, had he made all those promises to sooth a distraught child, once again, but had it been nothing more than that? Would he really come through? For a child he hadn't seen in so long?

With each day that passed, he felt his hope dwindle, felt the happy glow in his heart dim. It was so easy to believe his Tou-chan with the man's warm firm voice in his ear, but continuing to believe him once the moment had passed and realities whisperings had returned?

He tried.

He tried so hard.

But every day, he woke up to his Kaa-chan. He woke up to a woman who seemed to only find contempt for him, who ridiculed him, who hadn't uttered a single nice word in years. It grew harder and harder to believe …

Besides – Tsuna, even at eleven, was mature enough to know that his father wouldn't simply be granted custody like that, not after nearly six years of trying for visitation rights that had to have been denied again and again. There was no way in hell that could happen, just like that.

Slowly, he started to lose hope again.

Why believe in the impossible?

He was only hurting himself.

**It was the 27****th****of October when his mother told him that she wouldn't be back home until Sunday.**

It was the 29th of October late at night, and for the first time since she had started disappearing for the weekend, his Kaa-chan hadn't returned.

It was the 30th of October when he went to school and came back to a still empty and silent home.

His instinct screamed at him.

But he couldn't tell what exact it said. He couldn't even determine if it was an uneasy or relieved feeling.

The anticipation didn't abet.

**It was on the 31****th****of October that he experienced something he hadn't experienced in years.**

The act of a parent delivering on a promise that didn't involve any kind of pain.

The knowledge that he could depend on someone who loved him.

Tsuna experienced what trusting in the right person felt like.

It was amazing.

Simply amazing.

" **Chaos. I'm Reborn."**

He should have felt threatened, should have shut the door. But …

Strangely, he liked that dark, dangerous-looking man. He liked the feeling of that man's warmth.

Something in him said that this man would change his life for the better.

And his next words changed Tsuna's world for good.

" Iemitsu sent me. It's time to come home, Tsunayoshi-kun."

Tsuna would never forget that single caring hand that settled on his head as he embraced the man, his hot tears soaking through the man's dress shirt.

He would never forget the man that simply held an overwhelmed child which only wanted to see the one parent that resolutely loved him, again.

He would forever remember the man with adoration, who finally brought him home to his Tou-chan.

" You are really short."

The first adult who teased him with fondness.

He didn't stop being happy for a long long time.

_**~ The End. ~**_


End file.
